After the Wedding Struggle, Why am I Sad?
The wedding is over, the bliss is fading away.
The constant support, cards and gifts have fluttered out and the honeymoon is over. Many of us have heard about the post wedding blues and I think for the majority of people it is a real thing. When I first read about the wedding blues I thought surely I wouldn't have that simply because I knew I'd feel relief once the wedding was over. Which I did, but a different kind of blues set in for me for the past few weeks. A stressful, unsure, sad blues that I couldn't pin point at first. Right after the wedding we worked on donating and selling all of our decor and going back to clean up our friends ranch where we got married. Once all of that was over we tackled all the thank you notes in 2 weeks time. When we finished that, everything was really over; it felt good, but it felt strange. Our schedule opened up again, before of course it was filled with more weddings haha. Living in your twenties! I think we were struck with a.... what do we do now?
As we both went back to work, without the build up to this big event we didn't have a distraction from the fact that going to work everyday from 8-5 took us away from each other and now married, we wanted to be together more throughout the day. We have both been working for over 3 years, but it still hit us hard after having an entire year of work with a second job on the side called wedding planning. I realized that I was starting to panic under the pressure of having so many new in-laws, siblings from his side, and cousins. His family is great, but even he felt the same way about mine. It is a lot more people and for whatever reason that seemed to add to the discomfort. I realized that every little fight or argument we have seems like a much bigger deal because now we can't just walk away if it gets hard. You can't just turn around and change your mind. That alone in our fast paced, social media scrolling society is hard to imagine. When you picked your college, you could always transfer. When you pick a job you can always leave. With a husband or wife, you can't do that. You make a decisions and through life's up's, down's , changes, and evolutions you are forever bound to your spouse; it is a beautiful thing, but also scary (depending on who you are of course). I have always been an independent person and I struggled a little with that concept over the course of the 4 years we dated, and throughout our engagement. By independent I mean I just like to do things on my own. In my college years I loved the fact that I had a free schedule, no boy friend and I could make all the decisions for the day in my own head and never have to consult someone else. It was almost a high for me and getting married turned that off and it's taken me a while to realize that it didn't have to. This slow kind of anxiety started to bubble up and I looked at single people as free and me? Well... not. But a good dose of your partners reality check can do wonders for the spiraling mind.
One of the reasons you married your partner probably like I married mine is because they understand you or "get you" on some level. So they will probably understand completely and help draw you out of your rabbit hole. It can hard to start talking about it, but I promise it will help in the end. It's okay to not know or understand why you are feeling this way. I remember saying, "I don't know why" a lot while I whittled away at the problem until I figured it out. Like most things when you are upset it normally is a lot of little things that make up one big discomfort or issue. My suggestion, is to start with your expectations. Talk about what you expected married life to be like and what it actually feels like now. Discuss your feelings and don't hold back, once you give a name to all of your feelings it will help immensely and you'll be able to figure out how to tackle each one. At any point after the wedding if you start to feel sad or depressed, negative or unhappy: First, know you are not alone. For a lot of couples the first year of marriage is the hardest, even in a day and and age when most of us live with our significant other before we are married. Second, communicate. Talk it out with your partner. You may find that he/she has been suppressing some feelings as well that are much better communicated out in the open. I can still take time for me and make decisions on my own I just need to communicate them to my spouse. Third, remember why you got married and focus more on the positive rather than the negative. For me, even though I felt many fears before getting married, I knew that is exactly what they were, fears. I put a name to my feelings and tackled them each one by one. I didn't want to let my fears hinder my decision because I knew the root of my unease was in fear. Fear that we wouldn't work out like my parents or his parents. Fear that I could potentially meet someone new one day that made me happier. Fear that we'd grow tired of each other. Those are all just unnecessary doubts when in reality we know why we married our partner and in that first year i think it is important to talk about it with each other. Remind yourself of the reasons why you made that decision. Matt and I got married on May, 5th so clearly it has only been a month and half. We are both still working through this. There are more aspects that we are happy about than not happy about, but we are still on this journey and trying to understand how to support each other through this concept we never imagined we'd be in which is "struggling after the wedding." This is where we are. Know that you are not alone, if you too are going through this as well. More updates to come as we journey down this road together! Please leave a comment if you have any suggestions or questions or would like to share your story with us too or message us through the contact page. We'd love to hear from you.